Competition: Win Tag Em Kit

From August, Rubicon are working with Tag Em. These guys specialise in accessories that help you customise your world. Whatever your flavour, you’ll find something that adds to your style – and they’re working from the feet up: so they’ve got Tags, shoelaces, shoe charms and lace charms.

We’re giving away a bunch of these beauties to whoever can tell us the latest joke they’ve heard. Cheesey, corny, stupid or just laugh-out-loud funny – leave ’em here and at the end of the comp we’ll choose one to be the winner.

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About the author

My name is Lotta and I am one of the authors from the original SkaterGirl website. I'm a big fan of snowboarding, sushi and sangria!

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    Jo B

    A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

    She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

    The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: “You keep sneezing, what’s the problem?”

    The woman replies: “I have a rare condition … every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

    He says, “Oh… what are you taking for it?”

    She says: “Pepper.”


    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.

    The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure”?
    “Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
    “How can you be so sure”? She protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a Chocolate Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook it’s head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”

    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

    The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried. “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

    The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now £150.”


    The big bad Wolf said “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.” The little piggy said “Go away or I’ll sneeze on you….”

    Aly C

    A man and woman had tried for many years to have a baby. At last their dreams were fulfilled when she gave birth to a boy. He was born with no arms, no legs and no body…and they loved him dearly. On his 18th birthday the man took his son into the pub, put him on the bar and ordered him a pint of beer. As the son drank the beer through a straw, his torso suddenly appeared. In delight and amazement the Dad ordered another pint, which he gave to his son and upon drinking it 2 arms appeared, and then after another pint both his legs appeared. The son was delighted, jumped off the bar and ran outside on his new legs, straight into the road where he was hit by a bus and killed outright. The barman shook his head sadly and said ‘He should have quit while he was ahead’!!!!


    A man is talking to God.

    The man: “God, how long is a million years?”

    God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”

    The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”

    God: “To me it’s a penny.”

    The man: “God, may I have a penny?” God: “Wait a minute.”


    Little miss hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch the poor doggy a bone, she bent down, the dog was around and he gave her a bone of his own!!!


    3 tomatoes are walking

    papa tomatoe
    mama tomatoe
    baby tomatoe

    papa tomatoe tells baby tomatoe to stop joking around, something might happen. As they cross the street a car drives over baby tomatoe. Papa tomatoe goes to baby tomatoe and yells ” YOU KETCHUP “

    Christina Curtis

    I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp”

    Claire slater

    On a rural road a policeman pulls over a farmer and says: “Sir, did you realize that your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

    To which the farmer replies: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”


    three blondes were walking through the bush and the first one says their rabbit tracks the second says nah their bear track and the third one just got run over by a train

    Julie Henderson

    An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a £50 note on the ground. Which one picked it up??

    Santa! The other two don’t exist!


    1) How do you get holy water? you boil the hell out of it!
    2) Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank? He needed to check his balance!
    3) Why does a golfer wear 2 pairs of socks? In case he gets a hole in one!
    4) What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
    5) Where would you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him!
    6) What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangeroo? a wooly jumper!
    7) What do you get if you walk underneath a cow? A pat on the head!
    8) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
    9)Why dont skeleton’s fight each other? They dont have the guts!
    10) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!


    what’s worse than ten babies in a bin?
    one baby in ten bins. – sorry its a bit sick

    A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said ” I haven’t seen you in a long time ” The man replied “I know I’ve been ill”

    the next Tony Hawk

    a duck walks into a bar got any grapes got any grapes got any grapes etc the bar man says if you say got any grapes one more time I’ll nail your beak to the bar got any nails
    “NO” got any grapes!

    the next Tony Hawk

    A duck walked up to a lemonade stand
    and he said to the man running the stand
    Hey. got any grapes?

    The man said no we just sell lemonade. It’s cold and its fresh and it’s all home made. Can I sell you glass? The duck said “I’ll pass”.
    Then he waddled away. Till the very next day.

    When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
    And he said to the man that was running the stand
    Hey. You got any grapes?

    The man said no, like I said yesterday, we just sell lemonade okay?
    Why not give it a try? The duck said Goodbye.
    Then he waddled away. He waddled away. He waddled away
    Till the very next day.

    When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
    And he said to the man that was running the stand
    Hey. You got any grapes?

    The man said look, this is getting old. Lemonade’s all we’ve ever sold. Why not give it a go? The duck said “No.”
    Then he waddled away. He waddled away. He waddled away
    Till the very next day.

    When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
    And he said to the man that was running the stand
    Hey. You got any grapes?

    The man said THAT’S IT!! If you don’t stay away,duck, I’ll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck.
    So don’t get to close! The duck said Adios.
    Then he waddled away. He waddled away. He waddled away
    Till the very next day.

    When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
    And he said to the man that was running the stand
    Hey. You got any glue?


    You got any glue?
    No, why would I– Oh!

    Then one more question for you:
    Got any grapes?

    And the man just stopped. Then he started to smile. Then he started to laugh. He laughed for a while.
    Then he said, “Come on duck, let’s walk to the store. I’ll buy you some grapes so you won’t have to ask anymore.”

    So they walked to the store and the man bought some grapes. He offered one to the duck and the duck said “No thanks”.

    “But you know what sounds good? It would make my day.
    Do you think this store, do you think this store, do you think this store… has any… lemonade?”

    Then he waddled away. He waddled away. He waddled away

    Yasmin Green

    A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog.
    He stops for a moment, then picks up his dog and starts swinging it above his head by the lead. A shop assistant comes running over and asks “Excuse me sir what are you doing!?”
    The blind man replies, “Just looking around”.


    a little boy call tom had to learn some letters of alphabet for his homework he goes home and asks his mum who is on the phone what the 1st letter of the alphabet is she says shut up he then goes to his dad who is playin darts what the second letter of the alphabet his dad goes 180 he then goes to his older sister who is watch tv what is the 3rd letter of the alphabet she says na na na batman he then goes to his older bother who is playing with his cars whats the 4th letter of the alphabet he goes in a little red car.

    he goes into school the next day his teach asks him to tell her the letters he learnt so he said ‘shut up’ she says how many detetions do you want? he says ‘180’ she sayd who do you think you are? he replies ‘nanana batman’ she then says how do you think your gonna get away with this? he then says ‘in a little red car’


    Michael Steele

    Englishman , Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced to 25 years in prison but are allowed one item or person to be with them, The Englishman decides to take a beautiful blonde women in with him. The Scotsmen decides to take 100 crates of whiskey in with him and the Irishman decides to take 5 boxes of cigarettes.

    25 years later and the warden comes personally to open each of the 3 cells. he starts with the Englishman and as soon as he opens the door, 5 children run out. He then proceeds to the scotsman where as soon as the door is opened, a load of empty whiskey bottles roll out. The warden then finally walks in front of the Irishman’s cell, he opens the door and find that the Irishman is standing there with a cigarette in his hand. The Irishman says ” Have you Got a light?”



    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” ;)

    jo taylor

    Five Important Qualities in men

    1. It’s important to have a man, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
    2. It’s important to have a man, who can make you laugh.
    3. It’s important to have a man, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
    4. It’s important to have a man, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
    5. It’s very, very important that these four men do not know each other.

    jennifer waite

    fat wife comes in and says to husband i just fell down the stairs didn’t you hear me?

    Husband goes sorry love thought it was the start of EastEnders.

    Anne Nash

    A man walks into a shoe shop, and tries on a pair of shoes. ‘How do they feel?’ asks the sales clerk.

    ‘Well they feel a bit tight,’ replies the man.

    The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. ‘Try pulling the tongue out,’ the clerk says.

    ‘Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

    charlotte partington-smith

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh,that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear ofthe bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driverjust insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off.Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

    Christine Stephens

    Two flies on a toilet seat. One says to the other…”I’ve not seen you around for a while” to which the other replied; “No, i’ve been on the sick!”


    What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff (really easy right?)

    What’s blue and fluffy? Pink fluff trying to hold it’s breath. (I bet you were thinking ‘blue fluff’ ha :P)


    a bear is taking a shit in the wood and a white fluffy rabbit is passing by “does shit stick to fluffy fur and stain” said the bear, “i guess not” said the rabbit, so the bear took the rabbit and wiped his ass with the rabbit.


    A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks. As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before – it was fantastic – what are you, a surgeon or something like that?” “Oh, good heavens no” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

    hannah franks

    a cop was driving by and there was a horrible car accident on the side of the rode. there was a blonde in the car and he asked her what happened. she said that while she was driving there was a a tree so she swerved to the right then there was another tree so she swerved to the left then there was…… ma’am , there isnt another tree within 50 miles from here.well i saw i whole bunch of trees then i just crashed.But ma’am it was just your air freshener.

    hannah franks

    there was a blonde,brunette, and a red head.there were at a party when the cops came and there were three potatoe sacks. they each hid inside one.when the cop kicked the first one, the red head said “meow”.when the cop kicked the second sack, the brunette said “ruff ruff”.when he kicked the third sack ,the blonde said PPOOTTTAATTOOEESSSSSS!

    hannah franks

    god came down form heaven and brought to life a male and a female statue.he told them they had thirty seconds to do whatever they wanted so they ran into the bushes.u saw rustling and laughing.but when they came out the female said, “next time,u hold down the pigeon while i poop on its head”.


    One day, there were 2 packets of crisps walking along the road. A taxi stopped by and asked if they wanted a lift.
    “No!” They said, “We’re WALKERS!”


    1. how do you make a tissue dance?


    2. how does Lady gaga like her meat?

    RAW, RAW, RAW, RAW,RAW, RAW, {beginning of bad romance}

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